June 26th, 2012 § Leave a Comment
Beer Cart Girl
Like Pavlov’s dog, seeing an oversized beer cooler on wheels sputtering toward them gets the foursome of middle-aged men at attention – salivating, the tail involuntarily wagging. And then you see her, behind the wheel – shapely, cute, barely-out-of-her-teens optimism. “Hi, guys!” She bubbles. She can’t be happier to see you. “You guys need anything?” Can it get better? She actually wants to serve you beer! Bless her heart, she’s been scouring the golf course for you, to refresh you ’cause God knows beating up a golf course is hard work. What a nice girl.
When she steps out in her cute little outfit – the tiny shorts, the snug shirt so as you don’t miss any of her youthful perkiness – you say to yourself, “DAAAAAMN.” As she happily digs in to grab you your beers, her enthusiasm says in effect, “Not only do you deserve to be out here away from wife and kids, it’s really hard work breaking 100. Let me get you an ice cold beer.” By this time, you don’t even care that she’s charging you $5 per. In fact, you’re so grateful you’re ready to chip off the biggest tip of your life. As she drives off, she gives you a delicate wave, “See you guys later.”
“Okay.” (For proper effect, insert own doofus mimicry)
Ah… Why can’t my wife be more like the beer cart girl?
Wake up dude! You’re wife can’t be more like beer cart girl ‘cause beer cart girl is not real. She’s a player in a five-minute vignette of a male fantasy. First of all, she was cast in the role. What do you think are the hiring criteria for beer cart girl? Do you think they give ’em a driving test? She knows; she’s dressed the part. Secondly, she meets you on a golf course! Your happy place. When she meets you, she just needs to be happy for five minutes. That’s it. Man, beer cart girl ain’t happy to see you. Look around. You’ve fallen into a distinct demographic: Ugly, middle-aged men who’ve been forced to trade in games requiring running and jumping for a game of walking. And then even the walking became too much and so you’ve opted for motorized assistance. She’s smiling ’cause she knows how easy it is to separate you from your cash. And if the thing isn’t stacked enough, she rolls up in a mobile beer cooler.
Your wife can’t be more like beer cart girl because beer cart girl is not real. Anyone can be bubbly for five minutes. Your wife, she has to live with you – love you for real.