Marriage Mondays
December 17th, 2012 § Leave a Comment
Something for the Ladies
Can I tell you ladies something?
I have this vivid memory of a moment when I was about six years old. I was walking along with some others when I caught in my periphery a reflection of myself in a glass storefront. Letting my companions walk ahead, I stopped and turned to look at the boy who stared back at me. And a singular thought: “I don’t ever want to get older than this.”
In men, this longing to be a boy dies a reluctant death. We play games as long as our bodies will allow. Speaking of games, go to a golf shop and you’ll see the same expression of wonder and longing that you’ll see across the way on the faces little boys at Toys R Us. Like we used to back in the day, we still need to go “run around” with the boys once in awhile – you know, “fart around” and get some laughs. For the life of us, we can’t remember little errands. And yup, the same dude who’ll duck tape a severed finger will whimper like a toddler when hit with a little fever. Boys will be boys, right?
All this is infuriating for you ladies. “Grow up!” You see, you ladies can’t understand all this nonsense ’cause you all aren’t anything like us. When you women became women, that was that. No looking back. Why would you ever want to be a little girl? In fact I think most of you couldn’t wait. You played “Mommy” and fantasized about your wedding day. A Princess and Prince Charming. Boys are Peter Pan oblivious to the existence of “Wendy”.
Regardless of our differences, you’re right, it is an ugly thing when a man fails to become a man. Agreed. There will likely always be a boyishness in a man, but a man he must become. Now, the thing I wanted to tell you ladies is that the temptation will be to try to thrust your husband into manhood by nagging him, frowning upon his games, his friends. By pestering him. Don’t do it. It will not work. I wish I can tell you that if you do not nag, he’ll snap into manhood. I really do. I can’t. What I can say is nagging, though it may seem like the only course of action available will not work. That unpleasant sound will not call him into manhood.
Fantasy Friday
December 7th, 2012 § Leave a Comment
Man, was I ever wrong …
Totally missed it. My team was abysmal this year. And here’s a few things I missed:
1. Philly is going to make a deep run with lots of offense. Premise: They went on a four game winning streak to end last season. Like the Miami Heat team that put it all together in the season following the hype season, thought Eagles were poised to do the same. Michael Vick was going to rekindle the magic of 2010 and a newly signed DeSean Jackson was going to be the primary beneficiary.
Wrong. Wrong. And wrong.
Lesson: Bet with your heart, you have to tell yourself, “You know you can’t see straight, right?”
2. Chris Johnson is going to run wild. Premise: Again, Tennessee ended last season on an uptick, as did Johnson. Johnson’s slow season was due to his holdout and a coach change. With a full offseason and a resurgent team, Johnson will again be that scary rabbit. Wrong … oh, right … ah, not really. Tennessee is bad. The O-line is bad. The defense is one of the worst. And Chris Johnson is human. Another 1,000 yds, but not the 1st round production I was looking for.
3. Ryan Mathews is going to go bananas! Premise: Backs go off in their third year. Chargers shipped out VJax and so will go more balanced in their play calling. And most important of all, Tolbert the vulture was shipped to Carolina. The road is paved, Mathews going nuts. Wrong. How Mathews gets pulled for Ronnie Brown and that other dude is a mystery. Philip Rivers will huck it regardless … “No Vincent Jackson, not the same Gates, no matter. To the other team, just as good. I just like to throw it and see guys catch it.”
4. Greg Olsen is going to be a top 5 Tight End. Premise: Combine Olsen and TE mate Shockey’s numbers last year, and you get the number 3 Tight End in football. Carolina’s O Coordinator “cut his teeth” watching Antonio Gates auditioning for the yellow jacket. Carolina with Cam is only getting better. Wrong. And … um, wrong. Cam regressed. And Brandon Lafell became the another version of Jeremy Shockey.
Four of many I botched this past season. Here are some lessons I’ll take into 2012:
1. Coming into this year, I thought, “No matter what, I’m taking RB in the 1st round.” Not anymore. I see it in the game. Even short yardage is consistently gained through the air.
2. Adrian Peterson is super human. Normal rules do not apply.
3. I will not avoid rookies like the plague: Rober Griffin III, Muscle Hamster, Trent, and Andrew Luck.
4. Pick with your heart, choose to be a homer, prepare to deal with the consequences.
5. There are only a handful of locks in NFL. In the first round, you have to get one of those.
Flyswatter
November 30th, 2012 § Leave a Comment
I don’t remember the crime, just the punishment. My Dad stood us before him as he conducted psychological warfare from his seat on the couch. The glare. The tormenting, rhetorical questions. “Does he want me to answer that or will an answer just get him more pissed?” The demeaning tone. And the intermittent silence with more glaring. All the while he held a flyswatter in his right hand. And without warning, like a lefty pitcher with a great move to first base, he’d burst to swat us across the upper arm. Crack! Man, that thing hurt. The wiry, metal neck was just thin enough to give it that flex for that all important whip effect while being just thick enough to deliver a proper blow. Adding insult to injury was the knowledge that you were being hit with of all things, a flyswatter. You kill bugs with that thing! Once he showed us why he was holding the flyswatter, then his sporadic, unpredictable delivery became yet another weapon in his psychological arsenal. “Just hit us already, and be done with it!” No, no. It was never that easy. We’d have to endure what felt like hours of this, this cruel and unusual punishment until he was convinced we were loathe to ever do “that” again.
Funny thing was, in our house, my Mom carried the bigger stick. She used whatever was near: sticks, rods, whatever. She once came after me with an aluminum crutch. Although she packed more heat, she wasn’t the scary one. She could not hide her kind-heartedness even as she chased me wielding menacingly that aluminum crutch. We knew there was a cap to what she was capable of. My Dad? He got more done with a flyswatter than my Mom could have with a baseball bat.
One Way
November 20th, 2012 § 2 Comments
She walked in like the big hen into her chicken coop. Except, it wasn’t her chicken coop; it was ours … well, our apartment. Handing me the dinner she’d prepared for us – a much appreciated gesture for those foggy, sleep deprived days – she walked past me with her own two kids in tow, and made straight for my wife and the child in her arms. Not long after taking a peak, she launched into a series of questions. Her tone was self-assured; the pacing, deliberate. Clearly, she’d done this before.
“Are you planning on putting him on a schedule?”
“Schedule?”
“Yes. You know, a feeding schedule? Nap schedule.”
The couple look at each other and find in the other’s expression exactly what they’re each feeling: Lost and guilty. The young father thinks, “I haven’t put myself on a schedule.”
“Um, no. We hadn’t … uh.”
“Oh, have you read _____ by ‘So and so’?”
Again the couple look at each other for answers.
“No. We haven’t even heard of that book.”
“Well, you have to read it. It’s so good. Children need structure. It’s comforting to them. A schedule really helps with that. Get them into a good rhythm. It makes them happy. Just read the book; it explains everything.”
The father looks at the lady’s two kids to see if they look happy. They mostly look bored.
I don’t recall anything else about her visit. I do remember though, when she left, we were glad to see her go. We never did read that book. We knew almost nothing about parenting, but we had the good sense to know that there was no “secret” way, no “surefire” method. And certainly the answer could not possibly be in this ostentatiously titled book.
I’m not saying we oughtn’t read books on parenting. In fact over the years, we’ve done quite a bit of reading. We’ve sought counsel; asked questions of both parents and children. What I am saying is there is no “One Way” to raise a child well. Every kid is different. Unique. Beautifully complex. Sure there are principles. I even believe there are principles immune to the wears of time, to the nuances of culture. But because every kid is different, these principles cannot be applied uniformly with the expectation of netting “happy” kids. I don’t buy it; there’s no “One Way”.
Fantasy Fridays
November 16th, 2012 § Leave a Comment
Pick a Winner
My beloved team went on a six game losing streak. I’m done. Where did it all go wrong? Felt good after the draft. Felt strong. On paper, my team looked solid if not phenomenal with lots of potential for upside. And then came out of the gates with the groan to never really find her stride. Why? Let’s take a look. It’d be a shame to go through all this without learning a lesson. And here’s an important one: Pick a winner.
Rarely do you get a player in fantasy who puts up nice numbers while wallowing on a losing team. You can have all the talent in the world, but without the opportunities the talent lies mostly dormant. My six game losing streak was due in no small part to the dismal teams my players represent. Philadelphia Eagles, Tennessee Titans, San Diego Chargers, Carolina Panthers, the Buffalo Bills. That’s a list of who’s who of coaches getting fired at the end of the season. I mean can you think of a more comprehensive list of disappointing teams?
Now take a quick scan in your mind of players on winning teams: Atlanta Falcons, New England Patriots, Houston Texans, Denver Broncos, and even the Indianapolis Colts. Right? Nice numbers.
It’s tricky. The Eagles were the sexy preseason pick to win the NFC East. And Buffalo looked like they were stacking for a run at the Pats. And who had the Broncos being an offensive juggernaut? And Indy at 6-3? Nevertheless, the lesson here is a player is not an island. More often than not they are as good as the ten other guys on the field around them. Can you imagine what Larry Fitzgerald would do as part of the New England Patriots receiving corps?
To the degree you can pick a winner preseason will determine you picking winners in your draft.
Control
October 13th, 2012 § 2 Comments
What is it about the human condition that makes us crave control with such voracity? Workaholism to obsessive/compulsive behaviors, addictions to rabid consumerism. What are we after? Some placid, comfortable numbness? Some summit – some untouchable transcendence? Me? Right now? I just want some guarantees.
That craving unchecked will take your legs out. The past few months, I’m afraid I’ve run about with my cravings unchecked. Soon enough, that appetite gets its “hands on the wheel and its foot on the pedal – stomped to the floor.” And you’re a wide eyed, white knuckled passenger in your own life. Couple weeks ago, I hit the wall. Thankfully. Hell, I’m tired. When I’m tired, I got nothing to say.
It’s ironic that we crave it so – control. What we grasp of it is at best an illusion. And yet, even as an illusion, it destroys.
Fantasy Friday
October 5th, 2012 § Leave a Comment
Are you ready for some football … on Thursday?
No. No, I’m not. I have a job. I have a family. I’m not ready for Thursday Night Football. And the way the games go, apparently most players aren’t ready for ’em either. There’s a song kids listen to these days called … um, I don’t know what it’s called, but the bridge goes something like, “It’s not about the money, money, money. We don’t need your money, money, money. We just want to make the world dance. Forget about the price tag.” C’mon. I don’t believe her. Definitely not true in the National Football League: Fly teams midseason to London for the jet lag bowl. Lock out players. Lock out refs. And now they’ve expanded Thursday Night football throughout the regular season. You think the Arizona Cardinals wanted to play a late game Sunday, practice Monday-Wednesday, fly to St Louis and play on Thursday? Why would you put them through that? “It’s all about the money, money, money. We sure want your money, money, money. So we want to make the world watch. From Thursday night to Monday…”
Don’t know about you, but there’s something unsettling about playing players on Thursday night. Just like there’s something comforting about having a couple players going on Monday night. It’s like getting the first shot off. If you miss, you’re standing there in the open field, frantically loading your musket while your adversary takes a long, hard look at you. There’s a lot riding on that first shot. In light of last night’s ugly affair in St Louis, I’m beginning to wonder if that first shot isn’t fired off in less than ideal conditions – kinda like shooting in the fog. Something to think about the next time I have a marginal shot on a Thursday night.
What? No. Do I sound bitter? Did I start anyone last night, you ask? Yeah. (Sigh) I started three. Missed. I guess I’m a little bitter. Okay, yeah, maybe more than a little.
Fantasy Fridays
September 21st, 2012 § Leave a Comment
The Captain Goes Down with the Ship
You made the call. Go down with the ship. It’s the right thing to do. Yes, I did it. I drafted Chris Johnson with my first round pick, 6th overall. Why? Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time. He came on at the end of last year. The belief for me at least was that his lackluster start was a result of the combo of holdout and lockout. “The guy has a conscience,” I reasoned. After pocketing $30 mil guaranteed and producing the worst season of his career, he’s feeling bad – embarrassed even. He wants to show Tennessee that he was worth the big pay day. This season is starting worse than last. I think he’s averaging less than a yard a carry – something silly like 28 yds on 29 carries.
I haven’t yet, but I’m guessing other owners of Chris Johnson are getting some trade offers. Just stupid ones like, CJ for Michael Turner. “Your CJ for my Dwayne Bowe.” “How about CJ for TE Martellus Bennett.” I’m not doing it. For one, it’s a long season. Right now, Tennessee looks atrocious. They might stay that way and go down as this year’s St Louis Rams. Chris Johnson can average less than 3 yds per, and end up killing you. But we’re two games in. Last year Marshawn Lynch looked terrible at the start. DeMarco Murray looked terrible in his first game. Things can change.
Secondly, CJ’s worst season was a 1,000 yd season. How many players can you say that about? He’s young. He’s never had a major injury. For now, his job is secure. If you trade him for somebody now, you’re getting a player who’s ceiling is capped. You can probably get that in week 4 off the waiver wire.
I drafted Chris Johnson with my first pick. Leading into week 3, I wish I hadn’t. Bailing now isn’t going to put me in any better position. With the boat in trouble, I’m staying on to see if we can right the ship. If Chris Johnson goes sub 3 yds per the rest of the way, we’re going down. As the “Captain”, the one who made the call, I need to take my hat in hand, stand up straight at the helm, and go down with the ship. It’s the right thing to do.
An Explanation
September 18th, 2012 § Leave a Comment
I got home yesterday and my wife says, “I read your post. It was confusing … didn’t really make sense.” So, I read it. Yeah, it was a bit hard to follow. Can I take another shot at it? Maybe if I give a real example.
On a Saturday morning, early in our marriage, I went for a surf. When I left, I gave her a general time frame: “I don’t know. Not too long. Late morning?” Look, I’m trying to get out. I’m not going to say, “It’ll be four hours.” We’re different that way. My wife likes set times, clear expectations. I like options – last minute options. To her, “Late morning” meant 10; to me, “Late morning” had in it room for interpretation. Sure enough, surf was “firing” (Good). So I pushed “late morning” to as late as possible. Driving home at 11:30, I thought my interpretation is going from liberal to wrong. I walked in sheepishly, to find the apartment empty. A note on the kitchen counter read, “Took kids to swim at ‘so and so’s’ pool.” Cold, flat. Yup, I was in trouble.
That feeling of walking into the empty apartment and then being in trouble got me angry. Okay, right here, if you’re a woman you’re probably thinking, “What?! What are you angry about? You were wrong. She was justified and you deserved it.” Yes. Agree. But the point isn’t what is justified and who deserves what. Many a marriage have dissolved over words like justified and deserve. I rushed over to the pool. My kids, two of them at the time were thrilled to see me. My wife? Not so much. At that point, I was done. I did not want to wade through it. I did what I did best back then; I checked out. “You’re going to punish me with your vibe, okay. I’ll hit you right back with withdrawal, with rejection.”
I wrote yesterday that I believe our communication struggles are representative of a general pattern. Then I offered my guess as to why women seem to tend toward an indirect route, and why men have the tendency to withdraw, to run from the challenges of intimacy.
After about ten years of failures, we’ve experienced in the last few years some real breakthroughs. And an important step was our agreement that my wife would try to be more direct. And I would try to stay engaged, not run.
Today, we might handle that morning this way. My wife would still get pissed. But she’ll think, “Picking up and leaving. ‘Coming home to an empty apartment will show him'” approach isn’t going to help. She’ll sacrifice her plans and wait. When I walk in, she might tell me, “You’re later than ‘late morning’. When you do this, it puts us all on hold, and being on hold with two kids 3 and 2 is hard.” Hopefully, my response to that would be, “Yeah, I’m sorry. I knew I was pushing it. Sorry.” Then she would have to forgive me. There’s no justice in the person wronged bearing the burden of reconciliation. But we’ve decided that for the sake of our marriage, we’ll suffer injustices. Having forgiven me, she’ll release me. And I’ll look over at her as we head over to the pool late thinking, my wife is cool.
Marriage Mondays
September 18th, 2012 § 1 Comment
Indirect Run
Early in our marriage, I experienced that feeling. I’d walk in the door and something was off. She wasn’t exactly mad, but something had changed from that morning. “Hmm … what happened?” I was meant to feel bad, and I was feeling bad. And I didn’t like being made to feel like a child in trouble. It didn’t take me long – like five minutes – before I was resenting the punishment. My reaction was anger and withdrawal.
I think this is a common communication problem between husbands and wives. A wife is indirect and a husband withdraws; a wife nags and a husband runs. My guess is that it arises from the intense power dynamic that is at work between men and women.
Women in relation to men have historically and otherwise been relegated to a position of powerlessness. From this position, they look “up” at men who mostly look to them like overgrown boys and think, “Who put this guy in charge?” They are in the unenviable position of having to run things ’cause God knows you can’t trust this dude to run it, but having to do so through the dude. It’s like having a clueless boss who you have to move all the while making him think it was his idea. The only way to do it is to develop skills in indirect communication.
Men are in a fight. The world is in a unique way scarier for men. They have to overcome, succeed, be somebody, do something. We’re hounded by doubts and fears. At every turn, “Geez, I’m outta here” is at the tip of our collective tongue. The last thing a man wants is to find a fight with their wife. A wife in his mind is a home – a shelter from the storm.
In communication, we’ve learned that she has to try to be straight – tell me, don’t make me feel it. I have to stay in it; I can’t run.